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The Ballad of Toddy-Boy and Cindy-Girl

Yow! So Todd Courser (Michigan conservative Tea Party Republican) and Cindy Gamrat (ditto) have been carrying on a mad, tempestuous affair, right?  Everyone knows it.  They're practically sticking their tongues down each other's throats in the hallway of Michigan's capitol despite the fact that they're both MARRIED (to other people), despite the fact that they're supposed to be upright, uptight, ultra-conservative, mega-church Christian, pro-family, marriage-only Tea Party representatives.

Meanwhile, Toddy-boy and Cindy-girl formed a coalition (cough cough) that startled even the GOP. They went so far to the right that they released a response to their own GOPpie governor's State of the State address, usually something left only to the opposition party.  They ignore GOPpie party lines and do their best to pull everything farther to the right, all the while having long, late-night meetings in each other's . . . offices.

But the pressure got too high.  People are talking.  The GOPpies know about the affair.  So does the press.  Stories are leaking.  What to do?  Toddy-boy and Cindy-girl can't run to their own party for help because they've alienated all the GOPpies.  They can't go to the Tea Party for help because the Tea Party will be angry that their darling children are causing this kind of scandal.  Oh, what to do?

The politician's solution!  Lie!

Toddy-boy ordered his aid Ben Graham to release a mass email to the news that Toddy-boy had been caught having sex with a male prostitute behind a gay bar WHILE HE WAS HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH GAMRAT. This would "inoculate the herd," in his words. According to Toddy-boy, his Tea Party sheep are so stupid, they'll believe the media was making all of it up, or that a bunch of liberals are trying to smear him, so it couldn't possibly be true.  This is called a "controlled burn."  You mix the truth in with a bunch of lies so that no one can tell what's what, and that way everyone thinks everything is a lie.  You look like a puppy-dog victim instead of lying hypocrite.  Win!

Except Toddy-boy didn't realize that his aide Ben Graham was secretly recording the conversation. Ben has Toddy-boy on audio ordering him to release the lying email.  Ben decided he couldn't lie that much, so he gave the audio to the Detroit Free Press.  Oopsie!


Now Toddy-boy and Cindy-girl have been officially outed as adulterers, the Michigan Tea Party has a real scandal on their hands, and Toddy-boy is caught cooking up a scheme of lies on audio.


Now me--I don't give a crap what Toddy-boy and Cindy-girl do in their offices after hours. Really, I don't. If they want to cheat on their spouses, fine. That's up to them. If their spouses want to stay with someone who cheats, that's their choice, too. I'm not living their lives, and they are free to do as they wish.

But you don't get to run a holier-than-thou, traditional-marriage-only, "I stand up for families" campaign that regularly cites hateful verses about sex and marriage on your web site in public and then sleep around.  You don't get to tell everyone else to follow rules you yourself refuse to follow.  You don't get to vote against funding for abortion and contraception when you yourself are engaging in an activity that may require it, or does require it.  You don't, you don't, you don't.

So, Toddy-boy and Cindy-girl, what next?  I feel sorry for your spouses and children, mostly because your spouses were stupid enough to marry someone like you.  They should probably have known better, but we all make mistakes.  I hope the divorce is quick and--oh wait--you don't believe in divorce, do you?  Huh.  Let me know how that turns out.
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