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Me, Too

It turns out I'm diabetic, too.

I got the diagnosis a week and half ago.  It's not a big surprise--my father and grandmother were diabetic, and were diagnosed when they were younger than I am now--but I was hoping to dodge this particular bullet.  No such luck.

I'm on medication so far.  No insulin.

Darwin reacts to being diabetic by ignoring it as much as he can.  He hates needles, so he won't check his blood sugar.  He wouldn't go see a specialist until I pushed him into it.  (The specialist's help made immediate improvements to Darwin's health after the first visit, which made Darwin a convert there, at least.)

I'm reacting by going crazy in the other direction. Needles don't bother me in the slightest, so I check my blood sugar half a dozen times a day.  I experiment with food and activity.  What's my sugar level after eating this food?  After drinking that liquid?  After doing this amount of exercise?  I monitor every feeling and sensation.  Why am I thirsty?  Is that a dizzy spell?  Where is this faint nausea coming from?  I downloaded an app to keep track of all the data.

Darwin, at least, is checking his blood sugar more often because I can do it for him.  I'll poke him fast and get it over with, whereas he always needs a long time to psych himself up.  I've become an expert with the lancet.

Some times I take it in stride: "Hey, you just have to take a few pills every day and cut back on sugary and starchy food, which you should do anyway.  What's the big deal?"

Other times I feel like I've been smacked in the head with a tombstone: "Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck."

And now I have a new blog tag.



( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
Aug. 23rd, 2016 05:01 pm (UTC)
My disease gets often backhanded with your disease.

"HIV is manageable, it's a long term manageable disease like... Diabetes!!"

Ignoring the comparison, the big thing that IS in there is also the big thing we, culturally, don't quite get. Chronic. It means forever and ever and ever and ever....

It's hard, what with how we're socialized to not complain or to "accept" things or "think positively", to truly get into conversations with people about the reality of this kind of thing. It's daily. Forever. It's not "here's a pill and it will get better". Some part of the brain, I think, waits. For it to go away. To hit the mark of healed. But it doesn't come. Just another day. Another test. Another pill or injection.

And yes. We learn. We cope. We evolve and we live. And we get used to it. But. It's a load. Every day. And some days it's hard to ignore the cramped back and aching arms from holding it up every damned day.

So from some one who's been at this, being positive for 12 years now?

You're allowed to have off days where you "fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck" at the world and the diabetes and the people who don't get it and EVERYTHING. It's normal. There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with that. Yep. We get up, we get going and we do. And keep doing. But. You're allowed to get upset.

I only say this because I'm still fighting that message. And I watch almost everyone I know who has annnnnything chronic in their life do the same fight. Regardless of what it is... this is one thing we have in common.

Apologizing to people for not being thrilled that we "get to live" if we just (do this little thing). Every day. It really IS manageable. But it's wearing. Don't beat yourself up for that.
Aug. 24th, 2016 01:44 am (UTC)
Very wise and wisely said. Thank you.
Aug. 24th, 2016 06:30 am (UTC)
There are guys living in a house just around the corner from us here in Silicon Valley who can honestly tell you "I learn new Chinese characters better if I eat such-and-such and drink this-and-that twenty minutes before beginning my study at 4.45 in the afternoon," and back it up with evidence. Just for a moment there, you reminded me of them. (But *sadface* about the diabetes, because that does suck, however organisedly you tackle it.)
Aug. 27th, 2016 08:21 pm (UTC)
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
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